My other birthday presents

A not so great birthday present was Benazir Bhutto's death. I wake up and CNN is on (of course...) and the main story says in white letters, "Bhutto has been assassinated." I'm like, "So? It's my birthday!!" Yeah, I really am sorry that she was assassinated, because she was against extremists and militants and terrorists. Pakistan is going crazy now, and the U.S. had a really good ally in Bhutto. I'm not so sure about Musharraf. The U.S. is saying, "Oh crap, what are we gonna do now?"

My sister, the great economist and historian, was very upset about her assassination. "I loved Benazir Bhutto so much, I even dressed up as her for Halloween ten years ago!" This I found quite funny. She put one of those garment things around her head, did the dark eye makeup, and went to a Halloween party. It stunk that she was killed, and it stunk almost as bad that I had to hear about it on CNN all day. Usually CNN doesn't report just one thing all day, so I can keep my sanity a little better. I got to hear what Bush had to think about it, I got to hear what McCain got to say about it (I think my family likes him a little bit? He's apparently probably better able to handle the situation in Iraq...he's just old. Speaking of which, I get to register for voting!), I got to hear what everybody's mother had to say about it. So, Benazir Bhutto, I got to hear all about you on my birthday. You're 54, have three kids probably all under 15, and a husband. You knew the militants were out to assassinate you. You wrote an email that was forwarded to Wolf Blitzer in which you said that you would blame much of your future assassination on Musharraf's inability to protect you with adequate security. You wore unstylish glasses sometimes. The last word you said was Allah. You were running for a third term as Pakistan's prime minister. You were Pakistan's first female prime minister. I think you had two gunshot wounds--one in the neck and one in the back? You died in the hospital an hour after you were hit. John McCain personally knew you. My sister was you for Halloween, and you died on my 18th birthday. Pakistan is now Terror Central, according to CNN!

But, my early birthday present was a Samsung Upstage II cell phone. It's not a flip phone; it's a very slim "candy bar style" phone. It has an MP3 player, 2.0 megapixel camera, and it's kickass! (http://www.infosyncworld.com/mobility/samsung_upstage.html) My other presents were some clothes that we went shopping for on the day after Christmas. I'm changing my appearance a little bit during this month and when I return to school. It's going to be fun. I'm really excited about returning for my second semester in college. It's going to be different...new classes, a new job (or two), a different perception about some areas of life, and hopefully I'll be working on some new projects. I'll blog about them if they come into being. But, I'm very excited. My appearance will probably change after I buy myself some personal birthday presents (and, I don't know how I'm going to get all of the money for them until I start working)...I'm going to buy a bunch of CDs (I love music and books!), get an ear cartilage piercing, get some sort of coloring in my hair (never done that before), and buy a symbolic ring. But, I need to know my ring size first. I still feel dumb, so I'm going to make an attempt to read more, even though I'm not sure at this moment which books I should read.

I miss Barnes & Noble! I can't wait to see it when I go back to the metroplex next week!

What an awesome birthday present

So, one of the best birthday presents for my big 1-8 birthday was going to see the movie The Great Debaters. Why? Well, the non-fiction story of the movie is that of an all-black college in the 1930's. Denzel Washington's character heads up a debate team at Wiley College...can you guess where? Marshall, Texas. I remember hearing about the creation of this movie quite awhile back, before I was even done with high school. I remember my school bus would drive by Wiley College every morning on the way to middle school and junior high. Mrs. Holmes, my bus driver, graduated from Wiley. It's not a school that people really talk about...the most I knew about it was that caucasians generally didn't go there. I feel like this movie is really significant, because East Texas towns don't get much of any rep on the big screen, especially Marshall. The movie is well written and produced, and very powerful. The story revolves around racial issues, which is significant today as I perceive Marshall to still be somewhat segregated, as much of the South still is. Anyway, one of Wiley's professors forms a debate team, which is little-known. The movie follows the debate team as they struggle to defeat known black colleges, as they move on to white colleges (one of the first all-black schools to do so), and ultimately to the best of the best...Harvard. In the backdrop, or should I say, the forefront of their lives, the characters struggle to endure the cruelty of the white population of Marshall. The characters of the debate team themselves are fascinating. James Farmer, the quite young son of a respected Wiley professor and preacher; Samantha Booke (with an 'e'), the first female ever on the Wiley debate team; Henry Lowe (also with an 'e'), the quite intelligent guy who has a hard time dealing with his problems. The scenery of the movie is very East Texas-esque, something I was very curious about. I don't know if they filmed the lake scenes at Caddo Lake, but CL is a very popular place for everyone around here to go.

This movie is very powerful to me because of all the crap the characters have to go through. At one point later in the movie, the team is driving to another college, and as they are driving they stumble across a black man being lynched, with a group of white men surrounding him. The team barely escapes the angry mob after it realizes that their car is full of black people. Later in the evening, Henry Lowe basically has a breakdown. After James Farmer confronts him, Henry gets upset at James and tells him--"You will never forget what you saw. You will never forget how that felt." Gaah, it was awful.

Go see this, it's worth all of your money. Go learn about the story of this college from my hometown, and think of me. Enjoy the richness of the characters, enjoy the scenery in the movie, and enjoy a part of history!

Harsh reality

Pondering my life as I sit and stare at the walls of my room. Walls that I looked at hundreds upon hundreds of times over the past ten years. The oddness that reaks from the posters of the black basketball players. I thought about tearing them down in the future.

Pondering this past semester, my first semester as a college student in Texas---doing my own laundry, becoming a better musician (or at least gaining more musical knowledge---do I even care anymore?), drinking coffee, agreeing with myself that I don't want to be an accountant. Personal growth...have I grown? The disconnection is still there, but not because I want it to be. And yet through the changes that have been made, so much still remains the same. That terrible off-and-on depression, working against it every day. Silly that I fooled myself into thinking the main problem would mostly go away once I left for college. Not only was it still there, but reinforced almost every day. All the time...and then they'd all leave for the weekend. They would all go home. The feeling that I felt when I saw the empty parking lot and knew where they had gone. Home to see their mom and their dad. The visits from happy families, complete happy families and happy friends. The closeness and the bonds that I'll never have. The brokeness from the instant pain that comes ever so quickly, as I walk across campus by myself. That never goes away.

Then, looking at the cold walls of my bedroom. This isn't home.

Silly me, I knew I couldn't run away from all of it, but I thought I could escape most of it. It chases after me, every day. How I respond will determine the outcome of my life.

"This is how you remind me..."