Harsh reality

Pondering my life as I sit and stare at the walls of my room. Walls that I looked at hundreds upon hundreds of times over the past ten years. The oddness that reaks from the posters of the black basketball players. I thought about tearing them down in the future.

Pondering this past semester, my first semester as a college student in Texas---doing my own laundry, becoming a better musician (or at least gaining more musical knowledge---do I even care anymore?), drinking coffee, agreeing with myself that I don't want to be an accountant. Personal growth...have I grown? The disconnection is still there, but not because I want it to be. And yet through the changes that have been made, so much still remains the same. That terrible off-and-on depression, working against it every day. Silly that I fooled myself into thinking the main problem would mostly go away once I left for college. Not only was it still there, but reinforced almost every day. All the time...and then they'd all leave for the weekend. They would all go home. The feeling that I felt when I saw the empty parking lot and knew where they had gone. Home to see their mom and their dad. The visits from happy families, complete happy families and happy friends. The closeness and the bonds that I'll never have. The brokeness from the instant pain that comes ever so quickly, as I walk across campus by myself. That never goes away.

Then, looking at the cold walls of my bedroom. This isn't home.

Silly me, I knew I couldn't run away from all of it, but I thought I could escape most of it. It chases after me, every day. How I respond will determine the outcome of my life.

"This is how you remind me..."

Um...okay...?

So, today I was late for a trio rehearsal because the women's soccer game went into double overtime and penalty kicks. We played Trinity University, from San Antonio. My roommate was the first kicker for the penalty kicks...and she scored! Yeha!

Anyway, I kind of took some heat for being late to the trio rehearsal. I was totally not about to leave the game after I had been sitting there for most of the first half, all of the second half, and two overtimes with the score 0-0. It was nice to see us win. I think we scored all five kicks, and our goalie stopped two of TU's kicks. Tomorrow morning our team is heading to Atlanta, Georgia for more of the NCAA tournament, but they're really beat up and also playing a team better than Trinity.

Well, my phone rang at some point during trio rehearsal, and Dr. Neubert (he "coaches" us on our pieces that we're supposed to practice outside of the "coaching") looked at me like I was crazy. He said something like, "What is that bizarre sound? It sounds like a washing machine." Kathryn added, "It sounds like a siren."

...It was the opening of "Jesus is Still Alright" by dc talk. :/

Just don't ask.

Did anyone watch the Jesus video? Funniest video ever?

I'm starting to become more active with schoolwork and the like. I'm striving to pay more attention in my economics course, I studied a lot more for my second business test, I'm making a commitment to turn in all of my music theory homework papers on time (I turned some homework in late during the first half of the semester, but my high midterm test grade overruled the 'B' I probably would have gotten with only homework grades. My professor takes off ten points for late work, plus the exercises I actually get wrong.), and my violin practicing has become much more hardcore. Dr. I is helping me develop my bow arm, which is a struggle for me because I've always placed so much emphasis on my left hand, which I don't think I even realized until today. I am left-handed and left-sided, so my thought process is sometimes backward from the standard. I feel like I am using a different part of my brain to focus on just my right arm and wrist (and fingers! Craziness!) instead of the fingers that are playing the notes with my left hand. The bow arm actually is more important, which I am just now beginning to understand this semester. My bow itself has issues, so that doesn't help my cause. It needs to be rehaired, and it has a natural tendency to bounce all over the place. It's hard to control, which makes my bow arm situation even worse. Anyway, I've been practicing kind of hardcore lately. I was even wired enough a few nights ago to go in the practice room around 9:00 in the evening and come out a little bit after 11:00. I'm hoping that some progress will really show up by the end of the semester.

I have been thinking about getting a second bachelor's degree in music for quite some time - before I started college, actually. I've really had some different perspectives for the past month or so. Music Theory/Composition was sounding great, but I hesitated because of the extra time it might take to graduate. Although I want to learn to write music, I'm fairly certain now that I'm going to declare a double-major in Music Business. The courses required for the Business Administration minor are some of the same fundamental courses required for my Accounting major (thus I might be able to graduate with both degrees by 2011). I'm also really interested in music production and I've even discovered a good school with one of the best music business programs in the country. If I was to transfer to that school, I might not even graduate with an Accounting degree at all. If I was to complete my degree at yet another university, I might only graduate with an Accounting degree and music minor. And if I stay at HSU, I'll leave with the two degrees. Confused? You're not the only one. My mind is all over the place with what I can do. I've randomly been very interested in law school along with music business. I even know one of the law schools I want to apply to (University of Virginia).

Mmm, insomnia. Dr. I isn't the only one experiencing it.